📝 How to Stop Fueling the Fire: Remove the Payoff from High-Conflict Co-Parenting

Joe was at his wits’ end.

Since the divorce, he had tried everything to get along with his co-parent, Maria.

Some days, things seemed okay. But before long, Maria would explode over something small, and suddenly Joe was buried in angry emails, voicemails, and texts.

Joe tried to keep the peace. He’d respond right away, explain his side, and try to calm things down.

But nothing changed.

What Joe didn’t realize was that he was giving Maria exactly what she wanted—his attention. And in many high-conflict co-parenting situations, that’s the hidden reward keeping the drama alive.

🔥 What’s Really Going On?

This dynamic is sometimes called negative intimacy. When love and connection are no longer part of the relationship, some parents maintain their emotional tie through conflict.

In Maria’s case, the arguing kept her connected to Joe.

And Joe—without realizing it—was giving her all the fuel she needed.

If you’ve been in this cycle, you know how exhausting it can be. So what can you do?

✅ 3 Ways to Stop Fueling the Drama

1. Respond, Don’t React

Not every message deserves an immediate reply.
Unless it’s an emergency, give yourself space before responding. Ask:

• Does this require a response?

• Is this emotionally charged?

• Will replying escalate or resolve anything?

Pro tip: You don’t have to swing at every pitch.

2. Stay Consistent—No Matter Their Mood

Some co-parents are calm one day and explosive the next.
Your job is to stay predictably steady.

Don’t overshare when things are peaceful or get pulled into emotional chaos when things blow up. Boundaries are your best friend.

3. Be Realistic About What You Can—and Can’t—Control

You can’t change the other parent. You can’t make them behave differently.
But you can protect your peace, manage your energy, and model resilience for your child.

Focus your energy on your response—not their behavior.

🧠 Bonus Tips to Keep Your Sanity

• Expect pushback. When you stop engaging, they may ramp up efforts at first. Stay the course.

• Get support. A therapist, coach, or group can help you emotionally detach from the drama.

• Keep your eye on the prize. Your peace of mind—and your child’s well-being—are worth it.

💛 Final Thoughts

You may not see immediate change, but every time you hold your boundary and refuse to feed the conflict, you take a step toward calm, stable co-parenting.

Eventually, the drama loses its grip—and you reclaim your energy, your focus, and your peace.

✨ Want more tools like this?

You're not alone on this path.
Join my CoParent Coaching Circle or Take the Coaprent Communication Quiz to get started.

Let’s make co-parenting calmer—together.