When the Ground Feels Shaky: How to Help Your Child Feel Safe After Divorce

Divorce doesn't just change a family structure—it changes a child's entire sense of safety in the world. Many children experience the separation of their parents as an earthquake. The life they knew has shifted, and they’re left trying to figure out: Am I still safe? Who do I belong to? What happens next?

These questions don’t always come in words. Sometimes they come in clinginess, meltdowns, withdrawal, or acting out. But underneath them all is one driving need:

Connection.

Connection is the Anchor

Connection is the number one thing that helps children feel safe. More than explanations. More than routines. More than reassurances. A child who feels emotionally connected to a parent can weather the storms of change with greater resilience.

So what does this kind of connection look like?

It’s not just saying, “I’m here for you.”

It’s being there for them—in a way they can feel.

Think of it this way: Your child is walking on shifting sand. When you sit beside them, emotionally attuned and steady, it’s like you’re anchoring a board beneath their feet. They may still feel wobbly, but they’re not falling. They’re not alone.

What Connection Looks Like (and What It Doesn’t)

Real connection doesn’t always require words. In fact, sometimes words get in the way.

Your child doesn’t need a detailed explanation of the custody schedule or the legal reasons behind your divorce. What they do need is to know that you see them. That you understand that they’re scared, or sad, or even angry—and that those feelings are okay.

Here’s what helps:

• Sit quietly beside them. Your presence is powerful.

• Make eye contact and soften your expression. Let them see your love in your eyes.

• Give hugs. (Have I mentioned that yet?) Lots of them. Hugs are healing.

• Acknowledge their emotions. “This is hard, huh?” “You seem really sad today.”

• Stay with their feelings. Don’t jump in to cheer them up or distract them.

The Temptation to Fix (And Why It Backfires)

Here’s the hard truth: as parents, it hurts to see our children in pain. It can feel unbearable to sit with their sadness or fear. Every instinct screams: Make it better!

But rushing to fix things—by offering quick reassurances or jumping into explanations—can actually create disconnection.

Why? Because when we try to make the pain go away too fast, we send the message that the pain isn’t allowed to be there. That they aren’t fully allowed to be there, just as they are.

You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to be with them in the question.

What Children of Divorce Really Need

Children need to know that their big feelings are safe with you. That your love isn’t conditional on their behavior. Even when everything around them changes, your connection with them is constant.

So take the time. Slow down. Tune in. Give them hugs—yes, again. And remember:

They will know you are there for them, not because you say the words, but because they feel your presence, your steadiness, your connection.

And that is what helps them feel safe.